I think we can distinguish two types of people, there are those that let life happen and there are those that make life happen. I don’t think anyone person is solely one or the other, rather we occasionally switch, but on the whole, we all fall in one of either category. I think it’s fair for me to say that I, while enviously watching those that make life happen, have been someone that lets life happen.

But I am trying to change that.

It’s easy to just let life happen. In fact, we can get through life without ever determinately directing ourselves through it. I’ve found that, at many times, if you wait long enough, life has a way of working itself out and things will be decided for you. Ending relationships, for example, doesn’t have to be heart wrenchingly hard if you simply wait long enough for all sparks to extinguish and all feelings to turn to apathy. Slipping into relationships can happen just as easily; proximity, availability, and a certain degree of seeming compatibility can transform a string of casual dates unnoticed into a relationship without you ever really having to consider whether you want to be in it or not. Work and studying have been the same for me. Most jobs I’ve worked were handed to me, just fell on my path. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve them, I’m skilled and good at what I do, I just never put much effort into it, never really sought after anything. To the unobservant bystander it may very well look like a big life decision to quit a job in the field of physics to pursue a master in design. It wasn’t. Moving abroad for six months may have seemed directed. It wasn’t.

I’ve never really known what I wanted to do, I’ve never been the person with the five-year plan. Unfortunately, I’ve also never been someone who could bear that uncertainty gracefully. I tried of course; fake it till you make it-style, I’ve tried to be casually unbothered by it, I’ve tried being a winging-it kind of person, but on the long term I never really was. And because I’ve never had a particular direction I wanted to steer myself in, the only motivation I’ve ever felt, has always been a vague discontent with where I was. Working as an engineer got boring, time to switch it up. Eindhoven was overly explored, time for a new place.

It feels different now, as I scroll through lists of apartments and rooms in Barcelona to hopefully move into next month. Although there is still the small part of discontent and restlessness that is probably immanent in the make up of my personality, it now isn’t my main motivator to embark on a new adventure. I know why I’m going, I know what I’ll be working on. I’m ready for my project to start, eager, interested, excited, albeit slightly stressed out as well – mostly about finding a room. I know what I’m doing, I know where I’m going, while looking forward to all the unknowns a new city has to offer. I’m ready for adventure, I’m making life happen.